Photo by @marcusp

A TWO PARTS WHISKEY COLUMN

Somewhere in a secret base hidden in Mount Everest, billionaire pedophiles lurk ominously in the shadows, laughing maniacally as we all inject ourselves with 5g nano-vaccines and poison one another with carbon dioxide. Or whatever the fuck it is people believe this month.
I get the general idea of most conspiracies: there’s a long-existing hidden hand of worldwide governments that are controlling narratives and pushing society toward some direction or another. Cool, cool, cool. I like conspiracies, I smoke weed too. But then some cunt comes along and layers on pounds of their own bullshit, tacks on a bit of religion and serves it up on a Youtube channel with claims that it’s “suppressed information” and now ya fucking lost me. I’m being vague here, but how can I begin to list the incomprehensible narrative of this QAnon garbage? I hate to come across as a purveyor of mainstream ideologies and dare I say, a liberal, but aren’t party lines pretty silly at this point anyway? I’d just like to take a moment to point out that while we’re all busy crucifying Ellen Degeneres or Tom Hanks and the Yeti; Jerome Powell and the Federal Reserve’s money printer are performing a total lobotomy on our economy. And not a peep is to be heard in any branch of government.
We’ve got congressmen pushing narratives about George Soros and the Deepstate, or the Illuminati and a Satanist clan coming to fuck me in my sleep, but the apparent redistribution of wealth and division of our economic classes doesn’t seem to matter much to any of the worms we elected. And we keep on fighting amongst ourselves, ignoring the obvious shortcomings of the system in totality. It seems pretty clear that something’s not working in this country, beyond our two-parties, yet no matter their blatant misgivings both sides seem to think their candidate’s the one to turn it all around.
The evolution of politics seems to have always been driven by the uniqueness of our individual perspectives, and the desire for change a result of vocalizing the shortcomings we see within our systems, but nowadays it seems like we’re being divided by the most boring form of evil I’ve ever heard of: political pundits. And here I thought hell would be a lot goddamn cooler.
Maybe I’m thinking about it too much or maybe Nietzsche was right. We really are fucked. We should just abandon this two party system while we’ve got the chance and go full-on ‘Mad Max’ in this great land of freedom fries. You’d think if we were headed to hell anyway, we’d get it over with and start the end times with a few tabs of acid and some Junkie XL.

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